Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
