I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
