what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
false alarm, still single
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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