I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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