Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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