I molested 6 butterflies tonight
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Are these your boobs on my camera?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
