I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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