I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
