Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
