Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
