My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
