1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
