I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
