Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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