I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
being pregnant is like rehab
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
