I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
