I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
