plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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