My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
operation have a gay friend backfired
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
