I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Come see our sink grown plant.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
