Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
