i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
