I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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