i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
