Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
