You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
