home. puking in laundry basket.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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