Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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