I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
