The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
