New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
