Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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