its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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