Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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