I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
