Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
