Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
