I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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