Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
