I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
