it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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