you mean i was at the winter classic?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
