I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
