Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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