i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
