did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
