got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
