but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
