My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
