remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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