Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
