We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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